


Just Sign Your Name

by emersonavery



Category: A Separate Peace - John Knowles
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28042917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emersonavery/pseuds/emersonavery
Summary: Leper's internal monologue as he debates whether or not he will enlist and start a new life
Relationships: Elwin "Leper" Lepellier/Phineas "Finny"
Kudos: 5





	Just Sign Your Name

I looked down at the paper, the straight lines swirling in my vision. The hand holding the pen trembled as I moved it slowly to the page. 

Just sign your name. 

Why was I doing this? Wasn’t there something left here for me? I thought back to Devon. I had friends there, right? My mind when I thought of Devon was not filled with fun memories of schoolboy innocence, rather they were filled by just one person.

I thought about the way he smiled from up in that tree, and the way his muscles flexed as he jumped. I thought about his laugh when he would resurface and beg Gene to go next. Gene. 

What did Gene have that I didn’t? He wasn’t athletic or confident or funny like Finny was. He wasn’t even that attractive. Gene always followed Finny like a shadow, like a moth drawn to a flame. His sandy hair was dull and it blended in with his sandy skin, making him the most unremarkable person I had ever laid my eyes on. What did he do that made him so lucky?

Just sign your name.

I thought about the way that he looked at me. It was a completely different way than he looked at Gene. When he looked at Gene it was as if he were reading a fantastical story about knights and dragons and kings. When he looked at me, there was nothing. Did he even know I existed? 

I thought about the rest of my life. About my family, my other friends, school. Nothing came to mind. I had lived the past years of my life in agony. All I desired was his touch, his affection. There was nothing else in my life that mattered. All I wanted was that one thing, and it was the one thing I could never have. 

I hated Gene. I hated every ounce of him so much. This was why I had to go. I had to go in order to become a new person and to avoid the three paths I otherwise saw in front of me. The first path was that I waste away in my sorrow, mourning the life that I could never have. The next was that I could take matters into my own hands and eliminate him. It would be so easy to fake an accident. I was terrified of myself. I hated myself. That was the third path. 

This was why I needed to write my name on this paper. I was terrified of how desperate I had become. This was the way out. I could finally become a new person. 

The one thing holding me back was also the thing pushing me to go. I craved Finny. I was still holding out hope that someday he would realize that I was right here, that he could love me just as he loved Gene and we could finally be happy. What if he was already thinking this and I enlisted?

This would never happen. I had spent the past months coming to terms with the fact that this life here had nothing for me. I was here for a reason. Just sign your name.

I closed my eyes and forced my arm down against some invisible force holding it up, saying that he could still love me. I placed the pen on the line and signed.


End file.
